We all worry about something at times in our lives. It could be about a doctor’s appointment, a presentation at work, or whether your kids have friends in school. To a certain extent, the anxiety and fear can be helpful to keep you motivated and spur you into action. However, if worrying becomes persistent and excessive, it can paralyze you and interfere with your daily life. 

• Excessive worrying may lead you to feel restless, nervous, and jumpy.
• You may have trouble sleeping. 
• Headaches and stomach problems may come up. 
• You may experience increased muscle tension.
• It may be difficult for you to concentrate at work or school. 
• You may be easily irritated and take your negative feelings out on the people closest to you.
• You may find yourself use alcohol or drugs to get some relief from the worrying and anxiety.
• You try to distract yourself by zoning out in front of screens. 

Why is it so hard to stop worrying?

Despite the possible negative consequences, you may still find it very difficult to stop your worrying. Simply trying to stop worrying or pushing it away would not work. What you resist persists, and it will probably grow bigger. Try a simple experiment: first picture a white bunny in your mind, then tell yourself to stop thinking about the white bunny. What did you find out? You probably can’t get the white bunny out of your head. The harder you try, the more it sticks with you.

There are also some typical beliefs and assumptions that fuel worry (Shearer & Gordon, 2006):

• Intolerance for uncertainty: “If I think about this enough, I should feel a sense of certainty.”
• Intolerance for discomfort: “If I can just think this through, I won’t have to feel this way.”
• Inflated sense of culpability: “If bad things happen, it is my fault.”
• Distorted risk assessment/emotional reasoning: “If it feels likely, it is likely. If it feels dangerous, it is dangerous.”
• Perfectionism about mistakes: “Mistakes mean I screwed up because I was not in control.”
• Pessimism/presumed incapability:“Bad things will happen to me and I will not be able to deal with it.”
• Misconstrued virtue: “Worry shows how deeply I care about my children.”
• Overevaluation of the thought process: “Because I have a thought, it is important and I must give it my full attention.”
• Implicit magical beliefs about worry: “Worry prevents bad things from happening. It keeps me from being blindsided. It keeps loved ones safer.”
• Worry about worrying too much:“I am out of control. I am making myself sick. I have got to stop worrying.”

How to stop worrying

1. Learn to postpone worrying. 

Create a “worry period” when you can focus on your worrying. Choose a set time and place for your worry period. Don’t make it too close to bed time so that it is less likely to interfere with your sleep.

When you find yourself worry outside of your “worry period,” remind yourself that you will think about it during your worry period, and then gently bring your attention back to the present.

During your worry period, go over your worries. You can also make a list to get them out of your head and on paper instead of letting them racing around inside. 

2. Distinguish between solvable and unsolvable worries. 

Is the problem something you are currently facing, rather than an imaginary what if? If the problem is an imaginary what-if, how likely is it to happen? Is your concern realistic? Can you do something about the problem or prepare for it, or is it out of your control?

For example, suppose you are worrying about giving a presentation at work. You can prepare and review the materials, do practice presentations, and practice soothing techniques to calm your anxiety  in order to better prepare yourself. It is also knowing that you are in control of how much effort you put into it and it will either increase or decrease your chance of giving a good presentation. What is out of your control is other people’s responses. 

3. Have a plan for action.

If your problem is solvable, come up with a plan for action and then take action, instead of just worrying or thinking about it, which does not help. You don’t need to have a perfect plan, just a reasonable plan that can get you unstuck and move you towards possible solutions.

More importantly, take action. It can help you spend your energy productively and calm your anxiety, instead of giving your worrying all the energy and making your anxiety worse.

4. Accept uncertainty.

Uncertainty is part of life. Worrying may give you the illusion that you are safer, life is more predictable, and bad things won’t happen. The temporary relief you get leads to long-term negative consequences. Uncertainty is always there, whether you accept it or not. You will be better able to live with it once you accept it. The other option would be to live in misery.

5. Challenge anxious thoughts.

Certain cognitive distortions tend to lead to more anxiety, such as all-or-nothing thinking, catastrophizing, emotional reasoning, shoulds, etc. Learn to identify your own thinking patterns that contribute to worrying and anxiety.

You can change how you feel by challenging and changing what you think or believe. What is the reality? What is the evidence? How likely is it going to happen? What are some other possible outcomes? Is there a more realistic way to look at the situation? Is the thought helpful?

6. Be aware of how others affect you

Have you noticed that you tend to worry more or feel more anxious after being around certain people? Emotions are contagious. Maybe spend less time with those people who make you anxious. Instead, try to build a support system that can listen to your concerns without judgment, remind you of realistic thinking, and/or help you figure out your action plan.

7. Practice mindfulness.

Mindfulness is focusing your attention on the present moment without judgment. It means to acknowledge and observe your anxious thoughts and worrying without judgment; let your worries come and go without necessarily pushing them away or hold on to them.

If we go back to the previous experiment about the white bunny, when you don’t try to control the thought, you will notice that it will still pop up from time to time, but eventually it will go away. Practice mindfulness to help you stay focused on the present and on the reality. Moreover, the often calming effect of mindfulness exercises, such as deep breathing, can reduce anxiety on a physical level.