It is a reality that we may not be able to control most of what happens in life and life can be painful at times. However, what we think and how we think can have a big impact on how we feel about painful experiences and life in general. We can go through everyday while being thrown about by up and down feelings and automatic reactions, which may give rise to more painful feelings, negative outcomes, and sense of powerlessness and helplessness.

Or we can choose to pay more attention to and change our thinking, and therefore, take more mindful actions. As a result, you may feel more in control, feel better about yourself, and enjoy life more.

Increase thoughts that produce a better mood

Pay more attention to the positive things about you and about life. You can make lists of those positive things and remind yourself often. Sometimes, people put sticky notes everywhere as a constant reminder. Other people keep a gratitude journal.

Assume you are doing the best you can at any given moment. If you have accomplished your goals or have done something good, give yourself credit. If you have not met your expectation or acted in a way that make you feel guilty or ashamed, you are still doing the best you can considering all possible factors. Let go of judgment.

Imagine a better future. Make room for the possibility that you can take necessary steps to accomplish your goals in the future. Imagine what that future looks like, how you will think, feel, and act differently. 

Cultivate a growth mindset. According to Dr. Carol Dweck who has done a lot of research on the topic, “in a growth mindset, people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work…. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment.” (Dweck, 2015) In other words, where you are now is not fixed and permanent. You can change and grow.

Positive actions beget positive thinking. Do things that make you feel good but without long-term negative consequences. For example, some people feel good after a good workout session and then feel more confident and believe they can tackle more challenges.

Decrease thoughts that make us feel bad

Set boundaries with unhelpful thinking. Practice mindfulness. Be aware of thoughts and thinking patterns that are not helpful. Acknowledge their presence and then redirect your attention. You can even create a limited time period for unhelpful and/or worrying thoughts.

Assume others are doing the best they can at any given moment. It is very easy and tempting to judge others or take things personally. However, those thoughts may leave you feeling bitter and resentful towards the world as well as others. The truth is, more often than not, we don’t see all the contributing factors in a given situation. Give people the benefit of the doubt when appropriate. You still have the option to set boundaries or leave if needed.

Use humor. One technique to deal with negative self-talk is to imagine a cartoon character speaking those words (from Getting Past Your Past by Francine Shapiro).

Consider the worst that could happen. You may realize: “Oh, it is not that bad. I can handle it.” The vague fear becomes more specific for you to evaluate. If the worst is truly terrifying, evaluate what are the chances of that happening. Remember, “85% of what we worry about never happens.” And for the remaining 15%, the vast majority of people find that they can handle the situation better than they expected or they learn a valuable lesson from it.