An important part of cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) is to look at thoughts and identify possible distortions.

  • The underlying assumption is that distorted thinking usually leads to painful emotions and ongoing relationship conflicts.
  • By replacing the distorted thinking with thoughts that are more in line with reality, we will be better able to manage our emotions and to resolve relationship conflicts.
  • It is also taking back the power and control we have by changing ourselves, instead of blaming others or circumstances and feeling like a hopeless victim.

*From Thoughts & Feelings by McKay, Davis, & Fanning. New Harbinger, 1981. These styles of thinking (or cognitive distortions) were gleaned from the work of several authors, including Albert Ellis, Aaron Beck, and David Burns, among others.

distorted thinking, online counseling

1. Filtering

You focus on the negative details and magnify them, while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. A single detail may be picked out, and the whole event becomes colored by this detail. When you pull negative things out of context, isolated from all the good experiences around you, you make them larger and more awful than they really are.

For example, your boss gave you some feedback: “You did a great job on the report. I like how you captured a lot of the details and raised some important questions. There is just one part that I am kind of confused about. Could you explain a little bit more on that?” Then you focus on that one detail about your boss’ confusion, thinking: “My boss is not happy with my work. I’m gonna lose my job. This is terrible.“

2. Polarized Thinking

Things are black or white, good or bad. You tend to perceive everything at the extremes, with very little room for a middle ground. You have to be perfect, or you are a failure. We are either best friends forever, or we don’t talk at all or I don’t want to have anything to do with you. You can be having a good day, but as soon as something happens, then your whole day is ruined.

3. Overgeneralization

You come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or piece of evidence. If something bad happens once, you expect it to happen over and over again. You tend to use words like “always“, “never“, “nobody“, or “everybody“. If you broke up with a boyfriend, you think nobody will ever love you again. If you failed a test one time, you expect to never be able to pass the test. You think all men are selfish and will take advantage of you because you met one guy who took advantage of you.

4. Mind Reading

Without their saying so, you know what people are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, you know how people are feeling toward you. Mind reading depends on a process called projection. You imagine that people feel the same way you do and react to things the same way you do. Therefore, you don’t watch or listen carefully enough to notice that they are actually different. Mind readers jump to conclusions without checking whether they are true for the other person. It is normal to have assumptions. However, it might not be helpful to act on those assumptions as if they were facts.

5. Catastrophizing

You tend to expect disaster or catastrophe. When you are confronted with different options, you imagine all the worst case scenarios with each option, and get overwhelmed trying to prepare for all those scenarios. A young woman is scared of going back to school. She is paralyzed by the thoughts of “What if I can’t pass the test? What if I can’t juggle school and work? I will get fired from my job, then I will lose my house. What if I can’t finish school? Then I won’t be able to face my parents. They will be so mad at me or maybe even disown me.” There are endless disasters people can come up with.

6. Personalization

You tend to think everything around you is somehow related to you or directed towards you. For example, somebody makes a general comment about honesty, then you think that person is talking about you, accusing you of being dishonest, and wanting you to be truthful. So you get mad, feeling you are attacked and wanting to either fight back or defend yourself. You may get depressed or ashamed thinking you are a bad person.

7. Control Fallacies

There are two distortions related to your sense of power and control.

  • If you feel externally controlled, you see yourself as a helpless victim of fate or outside circumstances.
  • The fallacy of internal control is when you feel responsible for the pain and happiness of everyone around you.

Feeling externally controlled keeps you stuck. Because you don’t believe you can really change your life, let alone make any difference in the world. I’ve had clients who think “I’m a hopeless addict. I have the genes. All my family use. What can I do?” Then they don’t take action to change and they stay stuck.

On the other hand, the fallacy of internal control leaves you exhausted. Because you feel responsible and attempt to meet the needs of everybody around you, and feel guilty when you cannot. A woman tries to help her parents, grandparents, boyfriend, boyfriend’s family. She needs to make sure everybody in her life is good, which gives her a lot to consider and to balance on a daily basis. She is exhausted most of the time and frequently has panic attacks.

8. Fallacy of Fairness

Kids often say this: “It’s not fair.” And adults do the same thing. You think you know what’s fair, but other people won’t agree with you, which makes you mad. However, fairness is often relative. What’s fair for you may be unfair for others. It is just so easy and tempting to use it. Because you can avoid being vulnerable and stand on a seemingly higher moral ground. It is more difficult but healthier if you just ask for what you need and accept others’ perspectives when they can’t/won’t give you what you need.

9. Blaming

Other people are to blame for your problems, or you blame yourself for both your own and everybody else’ problems. You may think: “If only my boss is more understanding.” “My wife nags too much.” “My son needs to listen more, or I won’t be able to control my temper.” When the blame is placed on others, you don’t have to change or do the hard work. But you also give up your power and control. It is actually easier to change yourself than trying to change others. If you blame yourself for everything, it hurts your self-esteem and self-worth, makes you feel guilty unnecessarily.

10. Shoulds

You subscribe to a list of rules about how you and other people should act. The rules are right and indisputable. You get mad when people break those rules, and you feel guilty or ashamed if you break them. Notice when you use words like “should” “must” and “ought.” “I should be perfect.” “I should be able to handle it.” “She should give me a call before coming over.“

The thing is people are different. And a lot of factors can come into play in a particular situation. It would be nice to have your preferred result/situation. However, holding yourself and others to inflexible rules will only increase your stress level.

11. Emotional Reasoning

You make a judgment based solely on how you feel. For example,

  • If you feel like a failure, then you must be a failure.
  • Feeling guilty means you have done something wrong.
  • If you feel anxious, then it must be dangerous.

The problem is: if your distorted thinking has led to those negative emotions, then those emotions can’t be wholeheartedly trusted. If you are used to taking care of everybody else and thinks it is your responsibility, then when you try to take care of yourself, you will most likely feel guilty, but it doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong.

12. Fallacy of Change

This one corresponds with blaming. You expect that other people will change to suit you if you just pressure or cajole them enough. You need to change people because your hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them.

The truth is the only person you can really control or have much hope of changing is yourself. The underlying assumption of this thinking style is that your happiness depends on the actions of others. However, your happiness actually depends on the thousands of large and small choices you make in your life.

13. Global Labeling

You generalize one or two qualities (in yourself or others) into a negative global judgment. “I’m a failure.” “I’m lazy.” “He is a jerk.” “She is a hypocrite.” “He is an addict.” These labels come to represent the whole person and ignore all contrary evidence. It can have a damaging impact on your self-esteem and can lead to relationship problems and isolation.

14. Being Right

You feel the need to prove that your opinions and actions are correct, even when there is no right or wrong in certain situations but just differences in opinions or perspectives. Being wrong is unthinkable and you will go to any length to demonstrate your rightness. Being right becomes more important than an honest and caring relationship. It also means you don’t have to change.

A guy often argues with his wife about parenting, about the family’s diet, about activities they should do, thinking he has good reasons for his points of view and he is right. However, it makes it difficult for him to listen to his wife’s points of view, and then creates an uncomfortable environment with negative interactions and negative feelings.

15. Heaven’s Reward Fallacy

You expect to be rewarded in some way because of all your sacrifice and self-denial. You feel resentful when the reward doesn’t come as expected. Especially in relationships, you keep giving to others without setting healthy boundaries, hoping they would appreciate and return the favor at some point. However, a lot of times, what really happens is people take you for granted and then you end up feeling used. Or people come to expect that from you and when you start setting boundaries people get mad at you.

 

 

 

The important thing to remember is that nobody is immune to these distorted thinking styles. Once you become more aware of your thoughts and able to identify and change any distortions, you will have more power to change how you feel, your relationships, and your life.