Asking for Help

Why is it so difficult for people to ask for help?

Sometimes people believe asking for help is a sign of weakness. “I’m an adult. I’m intelligent. I should be able to do this on my own.” Independence is such as big word that most people strive for, but people can also go overboard with it, forgetting that we don’t live in a vacuum, we all need help and support in some way at some point.

The harder the project or whatever we are trying to do, the more support we need. It actually takes great courage, strengths, and commitment to ask for help. It also helps make you more independent in the long run.

Some people think they don’t deserve it, they don’t want to burden somebody else. These are the people who tend to apologize a lot for everything. “I’m not worth it. I shouldn’t take up their time with MY problem.” Working on self-esteem and self-worth as well as whatever issue that contributed to not valuing yourself are definitely important.

We also need to see that asking for help can be an opportunity to deepen the relationship. It is trusting somebody enough to be vulnerable with him/her, to share your emotions and deeper thoughts. Maybe the other person sees your struggles and is dying to offer help but doesn’t know how. So you are helping them to connect with you and teaching them how to support you.

Clients have shared: “Well, it sounds pretty good, but whenever I asked for help in the past, it was used against me or thrown back in my face.” or “I don’t want other people to see that I can’t hold it together. ” The fear of judgment is real just as the reality of being judged is real.

The important questions are: Do I have people in my life who will most likely offer non-judgmental support? If not, do I need to find somebody else who can provide the support I need? Once you find the right people/network, it comes down to taking action despite your fear because getting better is more important to you and you are willing to take that healthy risk.

Sometimes we wait for others to move first. “He is my husband. He should know I’m struggling.” “I wish my mom could take the baby for a couple hours so I can rest.” That would be nice if they did without us asking. However, they are not us. Even if we are together 24/7 for years and years, they are still not us. “A closed mouth don’t get fed.” We have to let people know what we need.

“What if they say no? That would be terrible.” That is the risk we are willing to take in order to get better. If people say no, use your skills to cope with it and then go to the next person. It is not the end of the world.

Sometimes people just give up too easily. If it seems or feels difficult, it is easier to say “Oh forget it. It’s impossible.” or “I don’t care anyways.” or “It’s gonna be okay (when you know it is not).” However, the process of talking to others about the problem may help you organize your thoughts so you figure out a way yourself, or people may give you new perspectives or information or creative solutions that you didn’t think about before. 

So what is standing in your way of asking for help?