Part 1: What is Perfectionism?

In our imaginations, perfectionism is a gift. It’s the domain of creative geniuses, tortured artists, visionary executives, and legendary athletes. Their drive for success, attention to detail, and intensity combine to create excellence. These individuals may seem to have it all from the outside—but those same figures often struggle on the inside. High standards go hand-in-hand with fear of failure, anxiety, and depression. Our tortured artists burn bright, and then they flare out. Some get so caught up in the details of their work that their masterpieces go unfinished.

In today’s article, we’ll explore perfectionism and its origins.

Origins of Perfectionism

Many perfectionists face tremendous pressure from an early age. Our culture places a special emphasis on competition and excellence. We throw our children into academic and athletic competition, and they are barraged from an early age with standards of photoshopped and airbrushed beauty that can be difficult or even impossible to attain.

It is impossible not to compare ourselves to others—and in families where success is highly prized, it’s often linked to feeling loved. The stakes aren’t merely high; they are existential. In the same way, our culture places a high value on success, and so do our families. Some children grow up afraid of what will happen if they bring home a bad grade. Even when they are successful, they may hear their parents speak poorly of someone else and worry that one day that will be them—or that if they don’t continue to succeed, their parents may be angry or even ashamed.

While many believe there may be a genetic component to perfectionism, we know that, in many cases, perfectionism is a response to trauma, stress, and uncertainty.

Coping Mechanism

Perfectionism becomes easier to understand when we view it as a coping mechanism. It is a way of defusing conflict and criticism by predicting it. It offers us the illusion of control. We short-circuit our fear of judgment and failure by setting impossibly high standards for our work. We judge ourselves to keep ourselves from being judged by others.

With that in mind, it’s possible to understand perfectionism is a way of predicting and avoiding pain.

Validation & Praise

For many perfectionists, their high standards are a means to securing praise and validation. Love comes at a heavy price when you must maintain impossible beauty standards or work hours beyond what’s expected at your job. Other times, perfectionists will pour far more effort into a task than is required without deriving any joy from their accomplishments.

Signs of Perfectionism

There are a variety of ways that perfectionism can manifest. Counterintuitively, some perfectionists throw themselves into their work while others give up altogether, into isolation and withdrawal. It can be difficult to recognize perfectionism as a paralyzing force, but procrastination and self-neglect are often driven by the all-or-nothing thinking that perfectionism encourages. If you can’t be perfect, the perfectionist thinks, why bother trying at all?

Here are some signs of perfectionism to look out for:

• Taking no joy from achievements.
• Procrastination and avoidance of tasks.
• Impossible or unrealistic standards.
• Intense fear of disappointing others.
• Rumination on mistakes and flaws.
• Social withdrawal and isolation.
• Prone to irritability and anger.
• Difficulty delegating tasks to others.

Perfectionism develops as a self-defense and coping mechanism, but many of those mechanisms that serve us in our youth hold us back as adults. Our ability to see critically and identify problems is a valuable asset, but it’s important to harness it wisely.

Schedule a Consultation

Without temperance, perfectionism can cause depression, stress, and anxiety. It has us living constantly in fight-or-flight mode, which takes a toll on our physical and mental health. Many of the clients I’ve worked with know their perfectionism has them running on empty, but they don’t know any other way to be. Schedule a consultation if you’re ready to explore alternatives.